Bitchfest Tuesday!!


Time for some rants!!! First off, the security idiot who makes sure the queues at Safaricom Centre Moi Avenue are flowing properly. I was on the line to pay some ridiculous bill, with my card. When it was my turn to be served, he goes WEWEE umetoka wapi?  I tell him in a nice way, I was on the queue, he then goes into a whole ‘Watoto wa siku hizi’ rants. I wanted to kick his 60 year old nuts to his gut! But, a big thank you to the lady who told him to fuck off.

Moving on…Marcus and Gae are going to be doing a show pamoja! Those who listened to Gae on Friday understand me when I say the show was PAINFUL…long ass links NKT!! We better get used to it cause Gae has OVER 20 months to go on his ka-contract

Moving on…CITIZEN!! Mna pesa – can you guys launch the new studio already – your set is soo small – Belinda and that kuyu guy are almost all over each other (fun fact! They were fuck buddies) – and Farida, babes stop being a DIVA! You weren’t born into a TV station!

Moving on…BUZZ!!! The most useless pull-out in the land – afadhali Pulse – wana imagination kiasi – Buzz is so lethargic! 4 pages of utter nonsense….still on the Sunday Nation – can they give Gavin a pack of fags (live ones) and see him off into the sunset – his article is a bit eerrr in the woods

Dear Jeff Koinange, it worries me that you seem to not have any control of your hips and arms when anchoring news. Please see a doctor about that.

Why is MOI in the news so much this days?? Are we going back in time?? Seriously – I see him all zee time on telly. Creepy

Dear Nairobi chicks, it’s sad that a 22 year old man (MEEE) has BETTER looking nails than most of you. It saddens me that you choose to draw your eyebrows. It also breaks my heart to see ARMPIT hair – every time you claim to ‘rock’ a sphagetti top. Let it be known, I’d rather eat grass than ever go to bed with a woman with a ‘bush’ down there. Cause treating crabs is expensive and embarrassing (I was 19). So shave and scrub. Thanks


85 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Anonymous on March 9, 2010 at 5:22 am

    Way back when you(yeye) wasn’t reading the newspaper, there was a pull out known as teen nation. it was the most informative part of the paper for a teen. sasa hii upuzi inaitwa buzz? ina target nani exactly?

  2. Posted by Godfrey on March 9, 2010 at 5:52 am

    He he … I often wonder what people do queuing at Safaricom shops and yet there are so many phone networks where you don’t have to queue for anything!

    • Posted by Sola on March 9, 2010 at 9:09 am

      I agree with you on that one Godfrey. Yeye wacha upuzi, ur just exposing ur ignorance on that safaricom issue. There are a lot me shops im town that have on queues

  3. Posted by Unseen on March 9, 2010 at 6:05 am

    I was going to give you a mouthful on your last point (nails, eyebrows, armpits and PH – aka Pubic Hair), but especially on PH until I was informed that you have been treated of crabs! What the heck is crabs anyway? You seem to be suffering from rare diseases!

    Ed Note Errr Pubic Lice

    • Posted by mike on March 9, 2010 at 6:20 am

      @ ED stop hatin on Gays wat happnd to Sexual preference -Rights nkt

      Ed Note Where have I ‘hated’ on gay people?

      • i think mike is confused at the bit where you typed fags, british slang for cigarettes, he must have thought derogatory american term for homosexuals…

        Ed Note Pole Mike, I was talking about cigs

      • Posted by Unseen on March 9, 2010 at 7:40 am

        And what is wrong with hating on Gays?!

      • Posted by mike on March 9, 2010 at 8:30 am

        ED….pardon ma poor English n shallow thinking thot u were hating on us.Cheers swirie

      • Posted by Madrave on March 9, 2010 at 12:40 pm

        Gays are fucked up and should be hated upon. Its not a sickness! its a choice. How do you choose to like a fucking gay. I love my country Uganda coz we do not tolerate this shit. We are not homophobs, we are not scared of them ! We despise them

      • Posted by Infiniti on March 9, 2010 at 12:55 pm

        @ Madrave first of all, check out the meaning of the word “homophobe” (and its spelling while you’re at it). When you say you despise them, you are the definition of a homophobe. Second, priests in your country play gay porn IN CHURCH for shits and giggles – and you want to go on about how your country is tops? Get a life, and get off this blog with your sad, vapid comments.

    • Posted by Unseen on March 9, 2010 at 6:38 am

      That must have been uncomfortable! Shave and Scrub People!

  4. Posted by GossipGirl on March 9, 2010 at 6:22 am

    While we’re on the subject of shitty Nation pull-outs.. Someone needs to call out TKB. I remember reading him back in the day when he used to send his articles from the UK where he was studying. His stuff was well-researched, well-written and very informative. Now compare that with the 2 pages he writes in Zuqka. Eish. He’s become a pompous name-dropping ass, and it feels like he writes his piece 10 minutes to the deadline. Am I the only one who feels this way? *DIGRESSION: Can i use Zuqka as a word in Scrabble? Those are many many points!*

    Ed Note I feel ya!!! And the articles always have incorrect info – all the time!! It’s like he was writing fiction!

    • Posted by Sarah on March 9, 2010 at 9:49 am

      I thought I was the only one,. That TKB lost the spunk kitambo. His articles are so shitty nowadays.

      • Posted by msupa on March 9, 2010 at 6:35 pm

        have also noticed.i remember reading his article this friday and thinking that he had to go all the way to the UK to learn how to write this nonsense.

  5. Posted by Mboch on March 9, 2010 at 6:54 am

    Aii! Yawa! Karibu tena…your madnes s truly infectious…

  6. Posted by c.n on March 9, 2010 at 6:57 am

    The crabs info was T.M.I
    I totally support you on the eyebrows!!! wah! pointers for ladies:
    1.what is the point of cutting all your eyebrows then draw a line, haven’t you stumbled upon the art of threading!
    2. eyebrows are slightly curved, those other shapes don’t apply! e.g (an upside down v)
    3. if you really have to draw that line, please do not stretch it to the temple! makes it look like you slipped and fell while drawing that line.
    4.go easy on the wanja, not too much black! brown is ok. but other colors do not apply please.
    5. it only cost 100 to have it done by a professional, these “do it yourself” business is tricky

    Ed Note LOL at number 3!!

  7. i love chicks with bush….yeah i said it!!!!

    • Posted by c.n on March 9, 2010 at 7:25 am

      haki yako! haki yako! (in song)

    • Posted by Unseen on March 9, 2010 at 7:42 am

      Guys with a massive growth are even better. Adds to the fun. Onjeni muone!

      • Posted by Sarah on March 9, 2010 at 9:53 am

        massive growth as in hair or anaconda?

      • Posted by Unseen on March 9, 2010 at 1:42 pm

        Finding Anaconda in that thicket is what I am refering to 🙂

      • Posted by Mkenya on March 9, 2010 at 4:48 pm

        @Unseen, LOL! You remind me of the bride who remained a VIRGIN for six weeks, because the husband couldnt make the door to his new house from the thickets of Mau Forest! Idiots with Godzila growth could be arrested on sight by pre-historic hair inspectors from the National Museums of Kenya!

  8. Posted by Mr. 22 on March 9, 2010 at 7:41 am

    Haha loving it… Yeye we have to chat soon

  9. Posted by Lentils on March 9, 2010 at 7:42 am

    To the shit waiters and java and brew bistro… Matako matako matako! Kwani you think everyone has to order a salad to be cool so that you can pay more attention to them? Even in buffet they act like my money matters! To the rappers taking on stupid beefs-jaguar and prezo. Octopizo and abbas- listen here. You guys barely make a living outta music here because we do not support you enough coz ur content is baby pool material. Wacheni ujinga. Hapa sio L.A and we do not worship the ground you walk on so contemplate embarrassment at your own risk. To men who’re wearing shades at night- even on your forehead- wewe sio super hero, wacha ujinga. To brothers who’re impregnating girls then taking off like they didn’t know sex causes babies sometimes- stupid matako matako. To girls who’re getting pregnant intentionally to trap guys- you’re making all women look bad! Sigh i feel much better

    • Posted by Unseen on March 9, 2010 at 7:44 am

      You have Issues!

    • Posted by TheRebel on March 9, 2010 at 8:04 am

      Kweli Abas ni Kubaff! He’s just a hater! Even that Jua Cali hate was jealousy!
      Abas skiza sikupenda kwangu and learn some pointers about the King of Genge!
      And what sorta “gansta’ name is Octopizo???! Aki kweli… WTFF!!

    • Posted by Anonymous on March 9, 2010 at 8:40 am

      why do i feel like this lentils guy is mwaniki philip? nways you have some very valid points.

    • Posted by Sarah on March 9, 2010 at 10:17 am

      @ Lentils, breath in … out … in … out … That’s better!

    • Posted by Mkenya on March 9, 2010 at 4:54 pm

      @ Lentils……Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! See, this blog, matako matako matako, provide, matako matako matako, an opportunity,matako matako matako, for people, matako matako matako, like Lentils, matako matako makalio matako makalio, madiaba, mahaga, madizgoz, to matako matako matako, breath!!! matako matako matako, spare us your unsolicited verbal ejaculation, matako matako matako. condomize your, matako matako matako, words, matako matako matako, next, matako matako matako, time! MATAKO!

  10. Posted by GossipGirl on March 9, 2010 at 7:52 am

    Oh my God thank you Lentils!! Brews Bistro what the fuck!! Refusing to seat you, shit service, that beer that tastes like the susu of Satan, then tripping over themselves rushing to serve whites and asians as they leave you hanging! Washindwe washindwe!

  11. Posted by Lentils on March 9, 2010 at 8:10 am

    Unseen… You can actually join the ass bandwagon if you don’t understand the concept of a bitchfest.

    • Posted by Unseen on March 9, 2010 at 8:41 am

      My style bitchfeastingis just a little refined.
      And if you are too uncomfy eating other people’s food and drinking their beer, then please, stay at home eat your own food and drink your piss if you cant find water. Besides, i have been in the ass bandwagon for a while now and it feels glorius.

      • Posted by Infiniti on March 9, 2010 at 8:48 am

        …but that’s the point, Unseen. Your style is “just a little” refined. Everyone else’s style on here is “extremely” refined. That’s why we’ll hate on an establishment that EXPECTS us to go there and SPEND our money on their stale food, their terrible service and their detergent-based beer.

  12. Posted by Lentils on March 9, 2010 at 8:53 am

    @unseen- Refined? To the extent that you can limit my opinions coz you’re so oh so right and classy? Because you pay my bills when i eat out and get disappointed by poor service and food? As for the bandwagon, so long as you’re comfortable i guess there’s no telling what tickles ur fancy but ur entitled to it. @ ANNON, i’m not philip- the 2 globes on my chest confirm that 🙂 but coincidentally i prefer his style of writing to TKB. He’s more mature

    • Posted by Unseen on March 9, 2010 at 9:02 am

      I can see the two Globe Roundabouts on your chest too! They tickle my fancy as well. Wah! Which is why I cant foot your bill when you eat out. Look, Lentils, I insist, stay indoors and avoid disapointments because i will not pay your bills.
      Infiniti, nobody EXPECTS you to spend your money on Stale Food. Please stay at home and Chew your foot! Why are you people Hating on me! I am In Shock!

      • Posted by Anonymous on March 9, 2010 at 12:40 pm

        lentils with ol the bitching you are doing you had to be chic. and not because its bitch fest tuesday, its because i think its tht time of the month for you, so u are moody, ama u preggos, n its not taking you very well.

      • Posted by Unseen on March 9, 2010 at 1:44 pm


  13. Posted by TheRebel on March 9, 2010 at 9:10 am


  14. Posted by Lentils on March 9, 2010 at 9:14 am

    Eh ok fine. You win. I’m fat- ur thin. Ur right. U win. Now take ur daddy issues to someone who cares because thus far in this thread we’ve only established you dunno what lice are- not a single opinion on dining out, media or other societal issues. And hopefuly when u eat out every dining experience will be great for you coz ur lucky enough not to have encountered racist behaviour from ur own people. Thanks and have a less tumultuous time.

    • Posted by Unseen on March 9, 2010 at 9:26 am

      Thank you too Lentils. I hope all the things you mention above come to pass! And I am also informed that crabs are lice. Everyday is a learning episode for me. Forgive me for my openness to learning. And seeing as you have so many opinions on dining out, and none of them good, I say unto you again…. PLEASE, stay at home and eat your own food. I keeps you away from racists behaviour from your own people.

  15. Posted by KATE on March 9, 2010 at 9:26 am


  16. Posted by Jangstaad on March 9, 2010 at 9:29 am

    I second you on the Nairobi ladies, ever been in Lift-y situation with a chic whose wig/weave is reeking ?
    Keep flaring Up the Ranted Flares

    • Posted by Unseen on March 9, 2010 at 1:49 pm

      Wait until you see the weave down under. That is the other thin Ed is ranting about!

  17. Posted by GossipGirl on March 9, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    Wow. So apparently if you’re a woman and you have a strong opinion on’re either on your period or pregnant. Thanks Fred Flintstone for enlightening us.

  18. Posted by Anonymous on March 9, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Gossip gal, get us some gossip wachana na conversations hauko invited into.

  19. Posted by Sola on March 9, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    Now why are ya’ll hanging up on gossip girl.? I thought the whole point of a blog is for one to express themselves?

  20. Posted by Lentils on March 9, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    Wow! So i’m pregnant or rolling for expressing an opinion? Eish. Now every other comment will be criticised and taken personally? Atleast unseen has an army 🙂 anywho! Eh, ati belinda was screwing who?! I concur abt jeff, he’s acting kinda weird.

    Ed Note Michael Njenga

    • Posted by hottie on March 10, 2010 at 6:41 pm

      wacha jokes me i think the guy is fucking hot for that fat ugliiiish breaking news mama……he is fine i think.. Ed note are yu for real cus ama hate his fuckin guts……

      • Posted by Unseen on March 11, 2010 at 4:50 am

        You are here too Hottie! And goodness you just repremanded me the other side on my love for muchene…. It is infectious I see!

      • Posted by HOTTIE on March 11, 2010 at 2:39 pm

        infectious my ass 😉 you just have to follow me right?

  21. Posted by Sola on March 9, 2010 at 5:04 pm

    Iam still bitching. Belinda obura yuck! I cant stand that woman. She is one of the reasons why i dont watch citizen. I just find her disgusting in general. Her flabby stomach when she wears those tight things on sunday live. Plus those chubby cheeks. And why does she talk like she is about to beat you up. I find her utterly gross.. Sigh that felt so good

    • Posted by Unseen on March 10, 2010 at 6:09 am

      Sola, you will be devastated when you see the makeup she wears. It enough for your sister, cousin and you. It is so thick you would need a shovel to reach her skin! I tried getting fresh on her and was appaled by the makeup!

      • Posted by hottie on March 10, 2010 at 6:44 pm

        you will run if yu see her i tell you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE FAT WOMEN not in size (some are real nice though most fat women i know are fat ugly and full of themselves!!!!) but FAT EGOS ………and fat egos and yu have nothing like brains and beauty to back it…shut up woman!!!!!!!!! (yes i met several fay ugly FAT egos and i hate them so fuckin much)

      • Posted by Unseen on March 11, 2010 at 4:54 am

        I give it to this Hottie person. You are the king/queen of muchene. And that hate business will kill you one day. Please limit it to muchene…like i said, it is therapeutic.

      • Posted by HOTTIE on March 11, 2010 at 2:41 pm

        am the KING of muchene NOT!!! ha ha when yu are off sided by a fat ugly woman and she steals what you considered very fuckin valuable yu tend to dislike fat ugly egos…. ha ha

    • Posted by Anonymous on March 11, 2010 at 6:04 am

      i hate how her kcc’s always looks like thy are falling out
      !! or they have just been stuffed into smthing smaller than usual

  22. Posted by Crabs! on March 9, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    Am in stitches! Ed, the PH issue has 2 b addressed! Ladies i came 2 get laid, not go sickle my way thru wheat like pubic infestation!

    Infinity vs unseen vs gossip girl….if tuesday bitchfest was a painting, u gave it the mona lisa touch.

    Maybe jeff has mild gay-turrets syndrome….involuntary muscle twitching…in a fruity fashion(ignore my spellin…i suck at grammar)

    • Posted by Bouncy on March 9, 2010 at 6:17 pm

      Thats exactly the problem with sple like you Crabs. You dont wanna work for anything. You just want an easy lay. Ashindwe.! The sweetest fruits are in that bush nigga.!

    • Posted by Infiniti on March 9, 2010 at 7:14 pm

      Hold up… Involuntary Gay Tourette’s? LMFAO!!! That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard! Must use that one somewhere one day…

  23. Posted by Sola on March 9, 2010 at 6:10 pm

    Lol.! Involuntary gay turrets! HaHahahahaha! Lol! Hahahahaha! Its official! Mediamadness is number one blog im the country. Ha ha ha ha ha. You officially made my day.! Clap clap

  24. Posted by Crabs! on March 9, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    Bouncy, it aint cool givin a spit shine job(shehemm/c.j/whatever u call it) you keep havin 2 tongue-out hairballs.

    Another jeff bitchfest….that plastic laughter he pulls off during interviews, is the equivalent of a walrus throwing up! Thats the image that flashes in my mind evrytime

  25. Posted by lady p on March 9, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    There’s a new female judge in town!! Finally some acting on the show.Anyone catch it?

    • Posted by xoxo on March 10, 2010 at 5:22 am

      i watched it jana, twas a good show but i have beef with that secretary/wanabee news anchor…i dint think they needed her role in the programme and she is rily booooooooring

  26. Posted by GossipGirl on March 10, 2010 at 5:22 am

    Best moment on Capital Talk: after the Hellon interview, jeff looks into the camera and said ‘Good Grief!’

  27. Posted by Omera on March 10, 2010 at 7:01 am

    Firstly, 2ndly, 3rdly! Fuck pubes in women! Iv had an experience where i had 2 feel lyk im sticking my penus thru that ka wall of lord of the rings! Jeff koinange is in the closet and that accent is the echo of Gay Gay! gay!

  28. Posted by Matapikoyachura on March 10, 2010 at 7:28 am

    Lolest, these comments are too funny.. So who is this William Rutos mpango wa lando?

  29. Posted by Mr. Burns on March 10, 2010 at 10:16 am


    Wow!!! Wow!!! Wow!!! y’all are awful(but in a good way Fam) I kinda think Bitch Fest should be on National Television,guess who would be the first to Endorse it? ..Food for thought.

    Okay..Citizen don’t need no Big room ED…there are some Tv. utilities called Virtual Reality and Chroma key that really does create that spacious room to a viewer (even the toilet will appear spacious)but as you know seem like Citizen Tv only invest in stealing contents not investing on these utilities. I’m pretty much sure they even on low budget for them unlike ktn and ntv that care much about Image. Another station that need an upgrade seriously is K24tv..those guyz don’t even own transmitters(yes they ride on KBC Equipments. y’all remember the partnership deal that almost went sour?)..No seriously where do they take money? plus Uhuru Kenyatta took up a bigger chunk of shares on K24,where he putting money at? on what?

    I gotta an issue with Kisstv,nothing personal but has anyone heard Caroline Mutoko talk? a perfectionist that I don’t expect mediocrity in anything related to her. I respect what she’s contributed to the Media industry and the growth of Radio Africa in general but Kiss Tv needs to put up more effort and they should invest on some dope producers too..
    I gotta a big problem with Hot Source segment. is it suppose to be a Gossip Site/Blog televised or what’s the purpose for that segment? My little Journalism knowledge tells me as a Broadcaster,you should always exercise impartiality at all times as long you broadcasting to the masses but what I see James kiama and that Asian Chick do on Tv is terrible(in my opinion,Media Madness could do better than them if Blogs were allowed to go live on air)..*AGAIN NOTHING PERSONAL HERE BUT RADIO AFRICA NEEDS TO GET SERIOUS WITH KISS TV,THE CONCEPT IS NEW AND GOOD BUT EXECUTION IS LAME*

    I gotta problem with Ktn too. these people never move on, I tend to think they trying to be CNN.there’s a saying that goes ‘ SKY NEWS breaks news but CNN own the news’ which I totally agree and Standard group too seem to agree and they trying to imitate that. it’s okay to do that but my problem is they seem to be owning wrong news..KTN own some of the less irrelevant news to the masses,instead of owning the Cementry scam news,they owning KCSE Results and going as far a telling kids that failing to qualify for Uni is okay since (Soulo & Eve- the two that they flaunted their names) didn’t pass but are successful.KTN is blaming Facebook( A student who’s yet to sit that exam and in boarding school told KTN so) on kids failing. that was my funniest moment of watching KTN ever in my life..

  30. Posted by hotstepper on March 11, 2010 at 7:38 am

    Yenyewe Nairobi chics need to style up.There is nothing annoying like chipped nails and those ”surprised” looking eyebrows.That style must be called Karucy for obvious reasons.

    On TKB,I thinks he tries to be smitta…club hopping and all that but his articles are whack!

    Anyone watched thus week jicho pevu on KTN, pathetic! Clearly these guys are looking to gain fame or is it CNN awards,the story lacked facts and bordered on rumors and hearsay!

  31. Posted by Fresh apple on March 11, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    this bitchfest should be voted the weekly ‘must read’ media piece….and can those haters leave Lentils to be…
    on to the hair/no hair debate..Fresh apple thinks a little hair is sexy…me got a mohawk down there..stretching from the pubis down to the rose bud…

  32. Posted by anne on March 18, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    Auuch! that hurts but its true coz nairobi women have gone crazy inthe pursuit of fashion but for me i remain decent coz thats the only fashion sense that has never run out. good work

  33. Posted by julz on March 19, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    media madness must be the illest discovery i made this week

  34. Posted by Haiya on March 23, 2010 at 7:33 pm

    Bitchfest is soo… Wats ya beef wid obura think she’s yummy and milky ha!

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